A New Day

Thursday, September 29, 2005

In the beginning I was as happy as a tourist. But I was riding on newness of being and adrenaline and my conceptions of Israel were empty and raw. Then darkness washed over the Darren, darker than a steer's tucus on a moonless night; but what the darkness hid was the deep that had come. I looked at the darkness, then plunged in and searched with extended arms, stumbling around looking for my way; I stumbled into the deep. The Spirit of God was moving all around me, like wind through city streets. Then, I realised I could see. The darkness was dissolved by light. The light is good.

Two months in Tel Aviv has come and gone and I didn't even notice the exact day; it's nearly three since I left BC. I have been really busy and exploring the deep that the darkness hid. I have developed a fondness for my fellow city-dweller. A very small sense of understanding and insight does much to dispel confusion and be a salve for the negative emotions that use confusion as a ladder to climb into the mind. The expression, "If you don't understand it - kill it," seems appropriate for the negativity that arises through perpetual confusion.

Realising you are lost always brings a sense of panic and when you try to run and your legs don't work; it' s supposed to mean that you are dreaming. But when you feel like PacMan and you are awake, the trouble comes. The biggest trouble is trying to learn how to be confused in the best possible way. Once I learned that, I started to feel better.

As an extrovert, I found that too much time alone took its toll on me. I found that I became agoraphobic. Especially of the marketplace. That's what agoraphobia means: fear of the marketplace. But even just parties or meetings or conversations about how I was or "the situation" here or just normal socialisation began to seem frightening. After some days, I said Forget It, and then I met some friends. My buddy Mattan did much explaining to me about the culture of Israel and how much the military service affects the people here. I had wondered why people talk to each other like they've known each other for years and are arguing over the last beer; and his insights to me have made that clearer.

Oh, speaking of the meaning of words, how 'bout this one: Baal means husband, it is also the name of a Caanaite god from the old-school. But what does it REALLY mean? Owner. Amazing. That is why some women, these days, in Israel, don't like to refer to their husbands as "husband" or "Baal" (owner).

Things always happen when one is not frantically searching for it. At least to me. With friends, I have been able to feel like I'm not invisible and see that there is more to people here than mad drivers and pushy people. I got so busy with homework and the friends I've met, from Zochrot, from school and from just living here, that I didn't even notice the darkness disappearing. I just noticed over the space of a couple of days that I like the breeze in my apartment; I like the (relative) coolness of the morning bike ride to school; I like riding or walking around the streets; I like watching people. I noticed my laugh once again causing people to turn their heads to see the source. I noticed a smile on my face and a joke on my lips. I still hate the car alarms and blaring techno; but hey, at least I can hear them. I'm glad to be able to hear.

Hebrew is coming along well. I am still too shy to speak to people when they look at me and say, ma shlom kha? with a fun look on their face. I know they are just playing a game with me, to hear the student speak. But I do say stuff when I'm in a store or in the market or just out. Not much, just a few words, usually, maybe a couple of sentences. I can't hear people here very well, because of their speed, so when they find out I suck at Hebrew they switch to English. Very rarely do I switch them back unless I am in an extended conversation and the words come to me in Hebrew of what I want to say in English.

I find it amazing, though, to look back on those first couple weeks of class when I felt like I just got a super-duper bad concussion and couldn't understand a thing. Now, I can understand what the teacher says and she talks for five hours in nearly all Hebrew. She talks faster now than she did, too. When she really motors I get lost and am grateful for her repeating for us beginner folks.

I am having lunch with Eitan Bronstein on Sunday to discuss the next couple of months at Zochrot. I think they want to have me in the office a day or two a week for whatever reason. I only really get a couple hours of social time per day because of how much studying is required for each class, so I don't know how much time they want. I also am not sure why they want me to go there right now. I have never been given responsibility. The work I did for them was extra stuff they hadn't had before and so when I started school their operation is not affected. Maybe they just miss my mug around the office space.

Oh, I shaved. Just 'cause. It'll grow back. It's a nice change-up. My beard had never been so bushy - the Osama beard wasn't even close.

If you had noticed at the beginning of this letter that I said I lived in Israel, rather than saying Israel / Palestine, it is because Tel Aviv is so far away from Israel / Palestine that it really is only Israel. People here talk about poverty and homelessness and how those things should be non-existent and I just want to tell them about Palestine. I usually don't say anything. Today, I entered a conversation about how poor people are poor because they choose it and I talked about Vancouver and gave a perspective that my brother taught me about "choice" for some people, rather the lack of it. One girl, in the conversation, told me it was very rare to be abused and broken and born into hopeless situations. I shook my head at her ignorance and told her it is much more common than she thinks.

I got in an interesting conversation today with this same girl: a New Yorker turned Israeli Immigrant, who is in my class. She was asking me about my "NGO" since I had explained about MCC and Zochrot to her in the past. I told her that I was the only one from MCC living in Israel, although there were half-a-dozen, or so, volunteers in Palestine.

She looked surprised and said, "Oh, after being here for a couple months you must really have a
different opinion than them." I shrugged my shoulders and said, "Sure, about a lot of stuff, but not about the political or human rights issues in Israel / Palestine." She looked at me very suspicously and I followed up with, "I absolutely believe that Israel has a right to exist....on the 1948 borders.....and they should STICK to the Greenline and not build their wall on Palestinian land."

She seemed a little assured that I wasn't a hater and she said, "Well, it's a good thing we have the wall; we need it to protect our homes." She said, "I mean, if someone was killing my family and bombing my house, I'd want a wall too."

I said, "But it was Israel who built the wall."

She looked at me like I was crazy and said, "Yeah, I was talking about my house."

"Yeah," I said, "But Israel has been killing Palestinian families and destroying their houses for sixty years; they never put a wall up."

Her eyes narrowed and she said condescendingly, "Well, I can see that you and I don't agree about the historical FACTS." She really said FACTS strongly and loudly. I was so tempted to enter that avenue and take her for a walk and talk about her FACTS, but I thought to myself, later, later, I will know her for the next four months.

Tonight I am going to James' apartment, who is an Irish dude from class. He's having a "mess-eBah." I think most of the class is coming as well as other students from the ulpan, plus his girlfriend's friends and their roomate's friends. Sounds like it will a bash. Interesting! I wonder what the French guys will be up to; not to mention the Brazilians! Maybe I'll wear my Zochrot shirt and get the crap beat out of me!

Okay,

Burro D-Block OUT