Greetings,
begin transmission. The Darren is leaving the Israel and will be returning to the Canada within the week. end transmission
Yeah, this needs an explanation. The following is an adaptation to the letter I sent to colleagues here in Israel and Palestine, both MCC and Zochrot:
Some of you know the gist of what I'm about to say, to some of you this will be new. The very short version is, I have realised that I belong in Canada, working with my own country and my own people. I have realised that I left Canada for escapist reasons and that no matter how much I hate the cops or socialised insurance or the affluence and materialism of people, those are not good reasons to ditch out on my country and the people in my life.
I have a family that I want to participate in. I don't want my new nephew to be three years old before I meet him; I don't want to go that long without seeing my other nephews and neices.
I have the best friends a dude could ever ask for and I realise that I want to be investing in their lives; not absent from them. Most of my friends weren't Christians before I met them and they are now; I have realised that I should continue to be investing in them. (This has nothing to do with proselytisation - it speaks to the closeness and intimacy of our friendships and an alignment in our lives and values.
Canada has many hurting and needy people; the disenfranchised. I know that most "successful" people ususally deal with the rich, our society caters to it; but that has always made me feel uncomfortable because of the disparagement I have seen in the world. I have always been drawn to work with the poor, the needy and the down-and-out. That is what took me to Africa three different times, to Germany, and finally to Israel. Those who knew me in BC knew that for the past few years I was just hiding out in the film industry, passing time and refusing to engage my society.
Something changed with this trip, however. I noticed it only a few weeks into my term. I saw the commitment that the people from Zochrot had to their country, their people. Now, I think that Israel is way more screwed up than Canada is, just my own opinion, and when I saw my new co-workers' commitment to their people, it made me feel sheepish. I felt like I was doing the exact opposite of what they were doing. They saw a screwed up situation and dug in their heels and stayed to work against the tide. I saw a screwed up situation in Canada and just left, hoping to find greener pastures. What I found was a dawning realisation that I actually do belong in Canada, working with my people; working with Canada's disenfranchised.
It took me a long time to arrive at this decision. I thought about it since that first dawning in early August, I actively considered it for over a month and laboured over it for the past several weeks. I consulted friends, both in Israel and in Canada, including members of my family. I read some wisdom literature, hoping to glean some information that could give me direction; I poured over the stories of Jesus, looking for hints in his parables and interactions with people. I wrote out pros and cons lists on both staying and going. I prayed through it thoroughly.
It would be much easier, in a sense, to just stay here. I have some really great friends, whom I love. I have a terrific apartment and enough food and really cheap beer to keep me chubby. There is a beautiful city at my doorstep and the Mediterranian Sea to swim in. Zochrot is an honourable organisation that has inspired and moved me. MCC has been paying my student loans and basically, I have been riding on a free ticket. I have been learning heaps, from the history of this land, a new language and culture, and the humanity of people; all people.
But, in my own sense of integrity, I needed to be honest with myself and with those around me. I could no longer deny the feelings of conviction within me that for the first time in my adult life I actually feel like I belong in Canada - that I have a responsibility to take ownership of my Canadian identity, instead of scorning it, and seek to help the disenfranchised in my community. To stand in support and love of my family and my friends - not to just run away to a different country taking for granted all that is really most important to me.
So, I needed to set a date for leaving, one that I was comfortable with and one that I thought showed respect for Zochrot, MCC and my friends here in Tel Aviv. The last thing I wanted to do was to disappear or run out in the night. In most jobs you give two weeks notice. I really value my experiences here and wanted to give six weeks notice. I planned on stopping my studies at the language school and going back to the Zochrot office and spending time again with the staff from Zochrot whom I have hardly seen since starting Hebrew Language study. And I also wanted to be above-board with MCC, so they could know of how I feel and support me.
I telelphoned the country representative and told him all that I have written above. He called me back two hours later informing me that I must leave immediately. That MCC doesn't want me around their partners if I will not be with MCC. I tried to explain about giving notice and being incarnational in the time I felt I wanted to give but to no avail. He said that the Jerusalem Rep would take care of things with Zochrot and with all the details of me leaving Tel Aviv. It turns out that I am leaving in the middle of the night, literally, in two days, on Monday.
The Jerusalem Rep would take care of it? We are two very different people and I don't ever speak with him about my life, my dreams, my goals, my concerns. In short, he is not a source of support in my life and doesn't actually even know me. So how is he supposed to take care of it?
He never knew my reasons for wanting to leave. So how is it that he can say anything to Zochrot or to my fellow colleagues within MCC? These things gravely concerned me because I fear he might just make something up about how I was homesick or something like that. Homesickness has nothing to do with me returning to Canada.
So, I wanted to explain these things myself. I sent an e-mail similar to this one to my colleagues at MCC and Zochrot and have actually arranged to have lunch with the Zochrot staff tomorrow to say goodbye. Eitan, the director told me that I can't leave Israel without trying Abu-Hasan's in Jaffa; that it is better than Abu-Adham's, where I eat several times a week and one day when I ate three bowls (free refills) they gave me a free shirt. Most Israelis barely get through one. So, I'll see if this Abu-Hasan's is better; but it will be really good to spend one last time together with the staff.
I do not think I am leaving here a failure. I believe that life has many twists and turns on this journey and that epiphanies and realisations that change us are good things, rather than bad. My parent generation values things like "commitment" and "obedience to a call" and I value those things, too. But what I value more is the dynamic that evolution happens, change occurs; change that we don't always see coming and can't always plan. At least that's the way it works for me.
I feel I am responsible to properly explain myself and let you all know how I feel and why I am making the decisions I am making. I am not responsible for your reaction. If you feel like I'm lacking in character, or that I've run-out on my responsibilities and commitments, then I agree; that is why I am returning to Canada, to take ownership of those responsibilities and commitments. It was not my intention to sweep through the Middle East, wasting money on some soul-searching mission. A cynic could easily see it as that; I don't see it that way.
My regret about leaving so soon is that it feels like a definite severing - like a definite statement MCC is making to me. I have been in language school since the beginning of September and have rarely even seen the Zochrot staff; now I am being whisked off so that I barely see them. That saddens me.
It will be hard leaving this place that I have lived for three months. Like I said earlier I have some really valuable relationships, both inside MCC and Zochrot, and outside, with my "regular" Israeli friends. Not being the bravest person I know, I wouldn't have laboured through this decision if I didn't believe in it and I wouldn't decide to go home if I didn't believe that it was for the sake of personal integrity and responsibility and ownership.
These are my reasons and this is how I feel. Sorry for misunderstandings or hurt feelings.
Darren
(Burro-D-Block OUT)
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